It's Time For A New Year, And A New Me! - This Is My Story

First and foremost before I babble on, I just want to say that I am so thankful to have my boyfriend in my life. For without him I wouldn't be where I am today.

My addiction to alcohol controlled me in every way for years.

When I started this sober journey, I wasn't sure how long it would last, and now I can't imagine going back to how my life was before. For those of you who have never experienced first hand the wonders of alcoholism, I hope you never do - but imagine if you will such a compulsion that simply by indulging in it you behave in such a way that literally ruins your life. And there is nothing you can do, nothing you can say, to convey to the people around you that you really aren’t the monster behind all the bad things that you did. This was my world, everyday, for years.

I'm just beginning to understand who I really am. I'm looking at my mistakes as a chance to take all the good things I've learned and picked up along the way, to make the person I want to be. I had been trying and failing for years to regulate my drinking. It started out as a fun, social thing for me years ago, but this year I realized that it just wasn't fun anymore.

Now my life is more manageable. When drinking, my life was a mess and I was comfortable that way. The first days and months of not drinking were scary, and sometimes they still are, but now, being sober is starting to be normal for me. When bad things happened in my past I felt like it was a huge deal and drinking was ALWAYS the answer to EVERYTHING. Now, I'm feeling more prepared; if something bad was to happen, I am now able to handle it in a good and healthy way. Additionally, less bad things have happened since I stopped drinking alcohol, which was the cause of many problems in my past, but now I'm present and thankful for each day I have.

I know I am worthy of love. I'm 100% positive I have been sabotaging my romantic relationship, my relationship with my children, and my relationship with my family for a long time. The drinking just helped fuel the problem. It encouraged, supported and justified bad decisions of all kinds, especially those related to loved one's. What I didn't realize until the drinking had stopped was that I am capable of being in a normal relationship and I do in fact, deserve to be loved. I am lucky enough to be in a loving, healthy relationship now with an amazing man who has helped show me that I deserve all the love in the world and I am finally starting to believe him.

When you make a big life decision like admitting you have an alcohol problem and decide to stop drinking, you really find who your true friends are. There are those people who will love you unconditionally, those who won't bat an eyelash when you stop drinking and those who will still offer you cocktails after they already know you don't drink. I've encountered all of the above. Getting rid of my toxic friendships along with my toxic habits just makes sense, and I'm learning not to feel bad about it.

I know I am not perfect, but that is okay. Stopping a nasty habit like alcohol abuse can bring out a lot of guilt, shame and regret. I'd be lying if I said I haven't felt all of the above at times. However, I am realizing feeling all the emotions I spent years trying to numb is actually a beautiful thing. Not only am I learning to feel them, I'm learning how to deal with them and live a healthy and successful life. I have made lots of mistakes along the way and I will never be perfect. Every day I have to make a conscious decision not to beat myself up. I am a work in progress, and I have come a long way. There are good days and bad days. Sometimes, I feel like life isn't fair and I wish I could just drink alcohol normally like everyone else. Mostly, I have accepted that this is the way my life is now, and quitting alcohol has become one of my stories of perseverance.

I never thought that sobriety would be my preferred way of life, but now I can't imagine going back to my party girl ways. I never dreamed I would feel so happy, full and healthy living a life without alcohol. I was always that girl who needed alcohol to have fun, and now I am a testament to the fact that you don't need it to enjoy yourself. There is something to learn from everything if we listen and if we pay attention. My message is simple, and it goes out to anyone who is currently struggling with alcoholism or drug addiction, or knows someone who is - DON'T GIVE UP!

- Mandy